Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall