That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Grandmother clock.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded