I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
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But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…