8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
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I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Steam Forums
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.