I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Ironic
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
hackers play passwordle
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx