Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?