When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
She puts the hot in psychotic
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.