*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Quadruple digit IQ
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person