Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.