Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.