Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.