Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?