An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
THIS HEADLINE
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning