You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
True?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.