Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
You Might Also Like
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.