If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
You Might Also Like
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Catercrombie & Fish
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.