If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
You Might Also Like
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?