Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?