How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
You Might Also Like
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
somebody come look at this
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
pictures of spider-man
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.