me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
best review i’ve ever seen