Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.