People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
You Might Also Like
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.