OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh