Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
In banana years, I am bread.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.