[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa