Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.