Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.