Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
You Might Also Like
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
an airline just for babies.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk