every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Google Pay be like:
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*