friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My dream job is getting paid to dream
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
He took my last fry, your honor
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.