Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
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in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Hard not to take this personally
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*