Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
OH. COME. ON.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Banking tips
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.