buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?