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Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
my proudest tweet
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves