If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.