me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
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My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.