I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
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MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.