If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle