My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag: