Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Sheep