Sign of the day..
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
#ProTip
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget