Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.