I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
#damn
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”