I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza