Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
This was the best day of my life
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
no one ever comes back
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*