What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
You Might Also Like
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
how to market bottled water to dads
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.