When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
British people be like I’m Bri ish
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*