Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
🤣🤣🤣
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping