Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
i will not be silenced
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
so much to do
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”