I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
War & Peace
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.